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What Are All These People Doing in My Forest?
Dr Stephen S Smith
Introductory Materials
Praise for this Book
“I never paid much attention to history in school. Memorizing names, dates and drivel was never for me. Finding my ancestors making history puts a different spin on things. Who knew a Smith was right there with Daniel Boone in Kentucky or a great grandfather recorded the first purchase of land from the Indians of New England? I sure as heck didn’t. And a Smith had a hand in protecting my Freedom from Religion? Didn’t know that either! Say hey to Wilbur for me. Is his left eye still cattywampus?”
-Craig Tate Simpson Jr, Seattle WA
“I want to know more about Wilbur Rancidbatch. He is a fascinating personality. How is he related to those of us in this Smith family tree? Would I be able to meet him if I come to see you in Wisconsin? Or do you still hate me for short sheeting your bed and putting your hand in warm water while you were sleeping (way back in sixth grade)? I hope not! It would be fun to have a beer with Wilbur!”
-Cousin Edith
Dear Edith: Wilbur is happily married and a father of seven. ss
“I can’t help but think that a lot of the people mentioned in this book are dead. It seems like a really obvious pattern. Just when I was getting interested in a character like Olaf Stille, the guy ends up dead and Wolfert Gerritsen von Kouwenhoven, same thing. Dead. What’s the deal with that? Do you conduct any guided tours of Smith family sites?” -Bill W., Asheville NC
“I enjoyed the fact that Dr. Smith spent an equal amount of time delving into the family history of the mothers in the family tree: Jane Stilley, Sarah Davis, Grace Fountain, Annetje Pietersdr van Kouwenhoven, to name a few. I never knew we had so many of the first settlers in New Amsterdam, Jamestown VA and New Sweden. I am glad he didn’t just write about the Smith men and leave it at that!” -Ellen D., Tacoma Washington
“I appreciated the author’s ability to transcend the ages from Europe to colonial America and make the characters come alive. I enjoyed the snapshots of life in past centuries and finding my own ancestors in places like Jamestown, Sagadahoc, Wautauga, Plymouth Rock and the Great Dismal Swamp of NC. But I agree with some of the other comments in here, too many of the cool characters died. It was like watching Game of Thrones on steroids or reading The Bible, the good guys all die.” -R. Anderson, Topeka KS
“Whatever happened to Wilbur Rancidbatch? Is he still alive? Or did he die too? I have never read a book with so many dead people in it. Does Wilbur still do home brew? He should have tastings. That’s an unfortunate name for a guy who likes to brew beer.
-Dave “the Moose” Kincheloe, Richmond VA
Dear Moose: Yes, Wilbur is still cranking out great home brews. His pilsner is especially good. ss
“I think Dr. Smith needs help. Am I the only one who realized he has a penchant for Scotch whisky? And what is with the product placement ads posted in some of the chapters? This kind of low-level money grabbing in literature must stop before it gets started. People should be writing for the sake of art and good literature with no intention of making a dime off their efforts! Imagine if Shakespeare had expected to profit from his prowess as a writer, or Tom Clancy, Stephen King or JK Rowling!” -R. Taylor, Tempe AZ
“As I was reading Dr. Smith’s search for the ancestors of Peter Smith of Westmoreland, I realized how easily we lose sight of our forefathers in western civilization. We pay more attention to the daily drivel in the lives of the Kardashians than we do our own families. I am not sure what I should do with that insight. Maybe I’ll stuff it for now and watch another episode of Fixer Upper or Die Hard 2. I love Bruce Willis.” -Dr. Leona Mascara, Preston, Australia
“I don’t know if you remember me or not but you took me for my paycheck in a poker game back in high school with a king high nothing. I had three of a kind and you bluffed me right out of my earnings. That was some great acting on your part. Anyway, just want you to know I have been looking for you ever since.”
– Slammin’ Jack D., Undisclosed Location*
“Looking forward to the next volume! Hopefully the author lives long enough to write it! Let’s go Oilers!”
-Big Ed Thompson, Edmonton Alberta, Canada
DEDICATION
Dedicated to the Memory of my father
James Donald Smith, USAF
1922-2003
And to my mother Doris Christine Weiherman
and to our family, one and all
© 2018 by Dr. Stephen S Smith
All rights reserved. Copyright under Berne Copyright Convention, Universal Copyright Convention, and Pan-American Copyright Convention. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission of the author.
FOREWORD
I am not sure why anyone would want to read the drivel found between the covers of this book, if it even qualifies as a book. The best part of this ‘book’ was found on the fly where the author made an awkward attempt at self-deprecating humor that has since been deleted. The name alone, Steve Smith, suggests that he is in the witness protection program.
I am not sure why I agreed to write a foreword to something as backward as this vast wasteland of time and effort. I will be frank. I needed the cash. Smith needed a notable personality, someone with credibility, someone capable of crafting a few elegant paragraphs; paragraphs that would seduce the unfortunate person who opened this garbage bag. Smith wanted hearts to throb and tears to well up in the corners of patriotic eyes as I drew you into reading Smith’s vision of our predecessor’s adventures. Smith couldn’t find anyone willing to first read this text before writing a foreword. I mean, look at this thick volume! It’s nothing more than a doorstop! It would better serve as an anchor for a canoe. It wouldn’t even look good on your compost pile.
I offered to write a foreword in exchange for a small fee that would cover the cost of my prescription drug supplemental insurance, with the promise that I would read the book “someday in the future.” I suspect you will finish reading this before I ever do. If so, please go to my website and jot a few comments about the book. I will include your words as part of the foreword I had promised to write. In the meantime, this will have to do: Read this book.
Someone should. Can it be called a book if it hasn’t been read?
By the way: I asked Smith to avoid identifying me by name, as I am nervous about being associated with this work. Trust me though, I am a notable personality and I have established my credibility by maintaining a Facebook page, Instagram account and some cool images of early post-modern origami on Pinterest. I am the person who shortchanged you when you bought your first copy of Mad Magazine. I gathered roses from your mother’s shrub and offered them to your sister in exchange for a promise to go bowling someday. It never happened. She married that fat ass who became a chartered accountant in Mildew, Missouri. I let my dog relieve himself on your front lawn when I had nothing better to do. Follow me on Twitter.
I am that guy.
PS: I am serious, Smith. If you want a decent Foreword you are going to have to pay me in something other than a 6 pack of second-rate home-brew manufactured in the dark recesses of a Shepley, Wisconsin basement.
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My 381,073x Great Grand Parents
(381,073xGGP)
The chimpanzee and bonobo apes are human’s closest living relatives. The three species look alike in many respects, physically and in terms of behavior. Humans and chimps share 98.8 percent of their DNA. The missing 1.2 percent explains why chimps avoid smoking, fast food restaurants, reality TV, and elevator music. In the pages that follow we will explore many humans from the millennia, all of whom shared in the creation of one man, my father.
